My Dear Muftisaab
Assalamo Alaykom Warahmatula
i need very urgent help and advise please.
I am a 30 year old Female Medical Professional , employed at a Government Hospital in Northern KZN .Historically from a young age, i have had to fend for myself & make things happen, or face a dull future. Alhamdulillah i have been blessed with wonderful parents and a united family.. Both my parents have a working class background & have worked very hard all their life.i cannot thank them enough for all that they have done for me.My family and myself has a fairly liberal, modern outlook on life.
Whilst i was at campus, i met up with a Muslim Guy & we began dating.Eventually we got married, with the blessings of both families.My husband was generally a good guy.He was modern, enjoyed his guitar, took me to music festivals & hardly prayed.i am not one to judge as i am not without faults, but he said that if you dont read salaah, there is no sin.He could hardly ever hold a job & i had to pay for 100 % of all monthly household expenses, as wellas his car instalments & insurance premiums, etc
Aside from this, i had to continously loan him money which was never repaid to me.ALthough the marriage was only a few years old, he began dating other woman, whilst still being married to me.he was continously making new female friends, that he never knew before marriage, but many females became close friendswith him, after he was already married to me, and this was stressing me out and has possibly been the cause of my psoriasis.My husband sat at home the whole day while i went out and worked and supported the household.he used to hit me and throttle me, play mind games with me and verbally abuse me.He was cheating on me and breaking my heartNobody stood for me. Nobody supported me.
My parents live 800 kilometres away from me. They’ve never owned a car. They don’t drive. i probably only see them 3 times a year or so. In a fit of rage & anger, i slipped up & i cheated on him.he did not know , but i told him what i did, so he immediately divorced me, about 8 months ago
i am living alone. i have a free life.i’m looking for a husband so i go out with muslim men, to see if there’s any chemistr i have also invited men into my home, and they would kiss me, and be only after one thing.i hardly ever see my family and i feel unloved and unwanted
My Muftisaab, this is what i need advise on. i have fallen in love with a man 16 years elder than me. i love his akhlaaq, his compassion, his considerate nature, his punctuality with salaah & the manner in which he advises me & guides me. he was married for 20 years, and then he married a second wife, with the permission of his first wife, but then after he married the second wife,his first wife could not accept the situation and she waged a war against him & caused turmoil, so he divorced his second wife in a peaceful manner,and they parted ways amicably and then he tried to make his first marriage work but he was unsuccesful, and it ended up in divorce.i have observed the manner in which this man treats his children and other people with utmost honour and respect. i love him & i can’t be without him.he is a successful businessman , but 23 years ago he did go bankrupt, and then he started again from the bottom & took many years to work his way up.
My sister hates his guts, yet she has never met him. My father refuses to meet him and completey refuses to allow me to marry this man.Their reason is that he was divorced multiple times & he had a failed business venture 23 years ago when he was in his early 20’s.
What i cannot tell my father and my sister is that this man and i can’t keep away from each other, and as much we try not to, we eventually end upcommitting zina. we both regret afterwards but we are strongly attracted to each other.yes, i know that how can i say he is a good man when him & i are committing zina, but our attraction & desire for each other is too strong,and irrespective of the sin, he is a good, decent man that wants to marry me and i want to marry him but we cant get permission, he then keeps away from me, but then he phones and makes sure that i read surah tauba & salaat ul tauba & 1000 istighfaar.he wants to marry me. i’m 30 , he is 46. so my parents and my sister don’t want to allow me to get married to him.my sister and her husband made me promise them that i will date other men for at least 6 months and i must find someone younger.
This man refuses to have a secret nikaah with me. He is insisting that he wants the permission of my father & that i must arrange a meeting with my fatherso that he could speak in private to my father and explain the situation & why we should marry , but my father refuses to even meet him for ten minutes.i really, desperately want to marry this man but my sister is insulting me, referring to me with derogatory names and cutting ties with me.my parents refuse to agree to me marrying this man. aside from being good for my soul, this man is good for my deen, and i really love his family, his mom, his sister’s in law, etc.he has hafez’s, Aalim’s & Aalima’s in his family and i feel so good to be with him.
My sister and father don’t want to let me marry him & i really feel like going on Anti-depressantsi’m 30 years old now. i earn my own income. stay on my home. leave in the morning & return in the morning to an empty home.
if i disobey my father and i make nikaah to this man, will i be incurring sin for going against my father’s orders ?Please tell me what to do My Mutisaab
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister in Islam,
It is sad to note that you had to face such tragic circumstances in your marriage. We make Dua that Allah Ta’ala keep you strong and guide you. Ameen.
Sister, your relationship with this older man is of great concern. Islam explicitly prohibits premarital relationships and love before marriage due to the numerous negative consequences caused by such a relationship.
You state that you eventually end up committing Zina and the both of you regret afterwards. You thereafter read surah Tawbah, Salat Al-Tawbah and make Istighfaar.
Sister, true and sincere Tawabah is to regret the sin and to make a firm resolution never to repeat the sin. Zina is a major sin. It incurs the wrath of Allah. In an Islamic country, Zina is punishable by stoning to death. In other words, the moral behind the punishment is that death is better than living a life of Zina.
Consider the following hadith:
عَنِابْنِعَبَّاسٍـرضىاللهعنهماعَنِالنَّبِيِّصلىاللهعليهوسلمقَالَ “ لاَيَزْنِيالزَّانِيحِينَيَزْنِيوَهْوَمُؤْمِنٌ،وَلاَيَسْرِقُحِينَيَسْرِقُوَهْوَمُؤْمِنٌ ”(صحيح البخاري: 6782)
Translation: Narrated Ibn `Abbas: The Prophet (Salallahu Alayihi Wasallam) said, “When (a person) an adulterer commits illegal sexual intercourse then he is not a believer at the time he is doing it; and when somebody steals, then he is not a believer at the time he is stealing.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari: 6782)
Sister, why deprive yourself of the Nur (light) of Iman.
Sister, we advise you to make sincere Tawbah and terminate your relationship with the man in reference.
Marriage is an extremely important decision and a lifelong responsibility. It is a lifetime commitment in which a long-term relationship is established as a family. In choosing a spouse, all factors should be carefully contemplated.
If you wish to marry him, follow the proper channels. We advise you perform Istikhara (seeking guidance from Allah Ta’ala) and seek the advice and blessings of your parents.
It is also unsound for your father to refuse the marriage if he does not have any valid reason for the refusal. Thus, if you really feel disadvantaged by their attitude and conduct, we advise you try and identify an influential person in the family and confide in the person who will communicate your concerns and feelings to your parents. Alternatively, you may consider contacting a local reliable scholar or imam who may speak to your parents on your behalf and explain your concerns to them.
We hope that will make them change their attitude or at least explain to you the reasons for their attitude. If you have exhausted all reasonable efforts to marry the man and you cannot resist sin and you marry the man, the marriage will be valid.
We make Dua Allah Ta’ala ease and straighten out the affairs of your life. Continue to exercise Sabr (patience) and most importantly, turn towards Allah Ta’ala and seek His guidance. Duas should always be the guiding factor in all aspects of our life.